Scary post

Usually I use this blog as a means to talk about nothing. It is an object of whimsy. An avenue for nonsense. Today I am going to make a marked change speak to you about something deeply personal and deadly serious:

There may be such a thing as land-capable sharks.



This was first brought to my attention a few weeks ago through the writings of one Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half. Her blog is well worth a read if you routinely find yourself wanting after you finish three-quarters of a hyperbole, or even a full one; she'll give you 50% more for the same great price. At the very least, you should go here and here and see what she has to say on this particularly subject. My own post will be merely for the purpose of elaboration on her good work, with my personal touch.

I'm not a big advocate of the punch line-type joke, but there's one in particular by a guy named Demetri Martin that I like enough to keep in my figurative pocket. It goes a little something like, "I'm afraid of sharks, but only in a water situation. If I saw a shark on the street, I'd be like 'What. F*ck you!' It's like the opposite of how I am with lions." I found it appeals to my desire for power over nature, which is not so much because I want to subject everything to human control, but rather because at some point in my life I have watched Deep Blue Sea and at least one Jaws. Sharks are f*cking scary. In the water we are utterly powerless against them. But ho! look how the tables turn once we're on land! I can call you dirty names and tell you off. Hilarious.

But now that some foolish scientists have decided to play God with nature's perfect killing machine they have brought doom upon us all. Where shark attacks were previously limited to those people silly enough to venture off splashing happily into the oceans, now they can strike anytime, anywhere. There'll be shark attacks in, like, Ohio. People'll be all, "What happened here? Was this a shark attack? But... this is Ohio. Aren't we supposed to be safe? It was probably just a wayward bear." We are never safe.

Unfortunately for us, it's not as simple as mere death incarnate in the oceans and now on land. Land-sharks are smart. Land-sharks are subversive. (Shark fact: the brain- to body-mass ratios of sharks are similar to mammals and birds; recent studies have indicated that many species possess powerful problem-solving skills, social skills and curiosity) For years, land-sharks have been working their propaganda into our popular culture in an effort to lower awareness to the threat they represent. I submit to you exhibit A: Street Sharks. Masquerading as an innocent children's cartoon, these sharks misrepresented themselves as heroes to a generation of impressionable youth. Grown to adulthood, these impressions will serve to blunt the edge of any anti-land-shark legislation and preparedness efforts, thus paving the way for an easy take over by our new shark overlords. Our prospects for survival look grim.

So by now you may be wondering "Is there any hope?" The answer is no, not really. The reason for that is in terms of apocalyptic scenarios, the Land-Capable Sharkpocalypse is by far the worst. Likely to be easiest of all to deal with would be a Zombiepocalypse, that being dependent of course on the speed and intelligence of the zeds. If television and movies have taught us anything it is that any reasonably well-stocked and well-armed individual could expect to survive and possibly even carry on a meaningful existence in the face of hordes of reanimated corpses. A Raptorpocalypse would admittedly be more frightening due to the higher level of ferociousness of dinosaurs, but I for one am fairly confident that on a good day I could out-fight and/or out-think a velociraptor. It certainly worked in Jurassic Park, and despite the inaccurate failings of the author it contained some potentially workable strategies. But when we come to sharks, we're dealing with apex predators. They are stronger, faster and smarter than us. Our best bet, and these are merely defensive measures to slow them down, are to widely disperse a large number of fishing nets, shark cages, and deep sea diving suits. That just might buy us enough time to implement our only real chance of a plan: we have to go into space.

God, I hope there aren't such things as space-capable sharks.



...Remember when I was all "this is is something deeply personal and deadly serious"? Yeah, that was a total lie. I would like to apologize to all the gullible skunks who may have fallen for such a dirty trick. I also apologize to myself for the destruction of my own credibility. What happens if I DO ever need to talk about something deeply personal and deadly serious? I've kind of dug myself into a hole here, now, haven't I?